Well, lets face it, it’s highly unlikely I win the lottery anytime soon¹. Waiting for another kind of windfall or to be discovered or similiar stuff before I dare to chase my dreams is… ineffecient.

Not to say, kind of dumb.

Understandable, yes. Human, yes. But also very dumb.

Luckely neither you nor me have wait for a lucky break, because there’s alot of stuff any of us CAN do right here and right now:  I can start stop worrying and/or daydreaming and just get down to business. You can do… what ever you think it’s best – how shall I know about your own, personal situation?

But what I do know  is that everything in life has a price-tag attached, even if it’s “just” the time spent to practising the necessary skills. Some things in life are bargains. Some prices are just plain to high. What’s one person’s bargain is the other person’s no-go. There’s no way to know what’s what without thinking about what one’s willing to pay for one’s dreams.

This is my list – or at least some items on it, because I’m sure it’s far from complete. But even this few parts helps me to figure out my way.

What I am not willing to do:

1. Work-for-hire, especially on comissioned paintings.
   I don’t want to exchange working for one boss with working for another. I know artists who successfully handle comissions and I envy them. Work-for-hire can provide a good, reliable income. But for me it sucks all the interesting bits out of that art-thing. I want to be able to freely pick and chose what I do.
   That’s the reason I love having my day-job.
2. Keeping company of arseholes, self-righteous whiners – or okay people who just irk me.
   Delete button’s are my friend. Ban buttons are my friend. I don’t have to talk to them if I can stand them – even if they’re decent people otherwise. Sometimes people dislike each other, just because personalities clash. That’s okay! That’s where it pays to be polite but firm!
3. Administrating/moderating a forum.
   Having one for the comic would be nice – in a half year or so when it’s etablished – but the necessary administration and moderation work needs time and energy that I’d rather put into the comic itself. My meager attempts to outsource moderation were unsuccessful s0 far. Plus, and that’s my main-worry to be honest, forums & comments attract arseholes, trolls and uninvited and thusly unhelpful criticismn.

What I am willing to do:

1. Doubling the time I’m working on my comic
   And with that I mean doing the necessary ground work – like finishing the webpage, writing, drawing, everything that’s necessary. Daydreaming’s nice, but supremly unhelpful when it comes to getting things done.
   I’ll need to restructure my day to do so and cut down my slacking time, but it’ll be worth it.
2. Sticking to my guns, even when things get hard
   Writing (and drawing) Siendes gets… emotionally complicated sometimes. Thing is, it’s the emotionally complicated parts are the ones that resound most, it’s where truth shines and the meat of the story is. Censoring this parts is doing the story and the readers a disservice – even if it means that certain characters cease to be the paragons of strength and goodness I originally envisioned. People are full of shadows, and characters should be too.
   I must stop shying away from this fundamental pieces of the story. Telling a truth is the fundament of any writer.
3. Dealing with my issues regarding self-worth and visibility.
   I’ve got still alot of growing to do until I stop standing in my own way. I did mature alot in the last two years, be it as a person, as artist or software developer, but I’ve been never been so aware that I’ll never be done with that growing thing.
4. Sticking with my dayjob
   I’m happily doing that. It keeps alot of worries at bay and having it means I can concentrate on my art with a clear head. That alone is a worthwile effect. Plus: I don’t want to give up the little luxerys I so got used to. ;)
5. Figuring out what I truely want out of life
   Or: Making peace with the fact I might never know.
   This is a big one. There’s alot of noise about what a woman of my age SHOULD want and every single should is extremly unhelpful. I’ll need some time to sort things out and mull over them. There are some vague ideas and most importantly a direction I want to go, but nothing’s concrete yet.
   That’s okay though, in the thing I need to see is the next step, and that’s doable.

As always, borders can and will change. New things will be added, older things deleted, but as always – it pays thinking about it. Otherwise you’ll only find out that you had a personal “DO NOT WANT” there, if somebody accidientally (or totally intentionally) traipsed over your borders like over an old rug. In the end it’s what sovereignty² is about.

Who’d thunk that following one’s dreams would be so… prosaic?