I’ve got a good friend, who was the most important person in my life for the longest time. We were there for each other during some of our hardest times and sometimes we spent evenings just chatting away. It was great.
And then, well, things changed. We haven’t talked for more than half a year and the last time I asked him something personal, my answer was pointed silence and then a swift topic change. I’ve reached out again and again, but apperantly my reach isn’t far enough anymore.
I still miss my friend, but I’ll cherish my memories.
*click*
…
When the girl I loved first fell in love with someone and then moved far, far away, I cried my eyes out. It’s not as if I ever had much chance to be with her, but I still cried.
These days we’re really great friends. And while we rarely see each other, the times we do are filled with laughter and nuttyness, because we both can be very silly.
*click*
…
So, I’m going to turn 30 next year and I’m actually looking forward to it. The big Three! My twenties will be behind me! FINALLY!
And I ‘m upset I reached so little from what I’ve imagined back when I was fifteen. My career isn’t were I want it, nor my art. Heck, I don’t even have my own family yet and well, that damn biological clock is ticking. I do want children, but I won’t get any anytime soon. There’s no way I can finish my plans.
Tja.
*click*
…
I remember how often I’ve been told I could be everything I wanted when I was a child – and what a fascinating thought that was. I spent alot of times imaginining wat I wanted to be, at least until I internalized another, more subtly lesson.
Being what you wanted was fine and encouraged. But wanting to be the wrong things was decididly not okay.
BOLLOCKS!
*click*
…
There’s still that shell of a girl who has been scared shitless all her life. She was raised to be scared and without that, she might not be alive anymore.
Thing is, that shell doesn’t fit anymore. She’s tired. She needs to sleep.
*click*
…
What can’t be.
I’m still uncomfortable with things that can’t be. Ideas that never came to frutation make me sad and all those things that might have been cause me grief. Unpursued paths always look more interesting to me than the path I’ve choosen.
But in order to move forward, I have to leave things behind. In many ways deciding what can’t be is even more important than deciding what to pursue. Struggling with might-have-beens is struggling with life itself – because what is it, if not a string of options not pursued? Closing doors is a matter of survival.
But that doesn’t mean I have to slam them.
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