• Gym visited: 6/1,000
• Hours trained 3/1,000
• Salads consumed:36/1,000

Lessons learned:

Oh, was it time for our monthly weight-gain again? It sure appears so. I had a horrible week with lots of stress – countless hours of overtime at work, lack of rest, health not being really healthy, etc., etc. All in all’s been… well, not horrible, but still really, really annoying. Stressful. And when I’m stressed I eat. Alot. It’s not healthy and it’s completly contrary of the natural stress reaction¹, but damnit, it helps me COPE.

It all goes straight to the hips though. Which means the damn five kilo mark eluded me AGAIN.

Doh.

I’m beginning to see a pattern here. There’s at least week per month were I’ll add weight, two during which I lose some and one were the whole thing stagnates. If that’s true, it’s good I got the “add weight” for this month done. ;) Which means it’s now time to pick myself up again, asses which habbits went belly up in the stress-bath last week and need to picked up again; which changes I have to do to make my routines more stable – and be happy that last week wasn’t half as bad as I initially expected.

It appears the trick to losing weight is just to start over and over and over again, while trying to learn from the previous encounters.

…

Shit. Life’s a raidboss. XD

People hate swotters. Now I know why.  Yes, I am a little bit slow on the uptake¹. And yes I used to be one.  Let me just say:

YARGH!

No wonder my schoolmates abused me, if I made them feel like that.

Funny thing is, I wouldn’t have minded being treated that way a year ago. That’s the problem with growing a spine: You suddenly become very much aware that certain things annoy you.

• Gym visited: 6/1,000
• Hours trained 3/1,000
• Salads consumed:35/1,000

notable Achivments: none.

Lessons Learned:

Argh, so close; so, so close! Did lose weight, just not enough to hit my goal.  Oops.  I guess the five kg mark will fall next week. Would’ve been nice to hit it this week, but well, es hat nicht sollen sein.

Parts of it was that I was at my parents this weekend and well, for my parents feeding people’s a sign of love. And, it’s tasty. Yummy, heavenly and tasty.  We had bunny. And cake. And turkey. And icecream with whipped cream and fruits. Buns, eggs and great, great coffee.

It was soooo worth it! :D

I’ve got a good friend, who  was the most important person in my life for the longest time. We were there for each other during some of our hardest times and sometimes we spent evenings just chatting away. It was great.

And then, well, things changed. We haven’t talked for more than half a year and the last time I asked him something personal, my answer was pointed silence and then a swift topic change. I’ve reached out again and again, but apperantly my reach isn’t far enough anymore.

I still miss my friend, but I’ll cherish my memories.

*click*

…

When the girl I loved first fell in love with someone and then moved far, far away, I cried my eyes out. It’s not as if I ever had much chance to be with her, but I still cried.

These days we’re really great friends. And while we rarely see each other, the times we do are filled with laughter and nuttyness, because we both can be very silly.

*click*

…

So, I’m going to turn 30 next year and I’m actually looking forward to it. The big Three! My twenties will be behind me! FINALLY!

And I ‘m upset I reached so little from what I’ve imagined back when I was fifteen. My career isn’t were I want it, nor my art. Heck, I don’t even have my own family yet and well, that damn biological clock is ticking. I do want children, but I won’t get any anytime soon. There’s no way I can finish my plans.

Tja.

*click*

…

I remember how often I’ve been told I could be everything I wanted when I was a child – and what a fascinating thought that was. I spent alot of times imaginining wat I wanted to be, at least until I internalized another, more subtly lesson.

Being what you wanted was fine and encouraged. But wanting to be the wrong things was decididly not okay.

BOLLOCKS!

*click*

…

There’s still that shell of a girl who has been scared shitless all her life. She was raised to be scared and without that, she might not be alive anymore.

Thing is, that shell doesn’t fit anymore. She’s tired. She needs to sleep.

*click*

…

What can’t be.

I’m still uncomfortable with things that can’t be. Ideas that never came to frutation make me sad and all those things that might have been cause me grief. Unpursued paths always look more interesting to me than the path I’ve choosen.

But in order to move forward, I have to leave things behind. In many ways deciding what can’t be is even more important than deciding what to pursue. Struggling with might-have-beens is struggling with life itself – because what is it, if not a string of options not pursued? Closing doors is a matter of survival.

But that doesn’t mean I have to slam them.