An open letter to my art

I’m sorry about how I treated you¹.

You deliver good work and despite everything, I’ve never been really happy or even satisfied with you. Eeven further explanations would veer off into ranting, because the more you improved, the faster and further the goalposts moved and you would never been good enough.

Yeah. Sorry about that. I know exactly how shitty being put down for not reaching someones abitrary and constantly changing standards feels, and I yet still always did it to you. And I can’t even promise that it won’t happen again, simply because that particular trait so ingrained into my personality that stoping breathing would be easier for me than stoping being unreasonably picky. That sucks, to be honest. Because moving goal posts mean you retreating, which means ruts, hating everything I do, no matter how good it is and finally me stopping drawing.

In the end it’s all about safety.

You need to be protected.

And I mean not only in regards of the copyright stuff – although that’s important too – but on a fundamental, emotional level. You’re much more sensitive than I expected and if you get hurt in anyway, you tend to get blocked. That’s why I got much better at standing between you and the arsecakes and the unguided and accidentially harmful. That’s why I try to lay off with those unreasonable expectations, which I mainly picked up from other people eitherway.
That’s why I need to trust you, only you, and I need to shut out the other voices, until you’re strong enough to weather them. It’s a matter of sovereignety.

You need to be safe to do your magic, and I’m the one who has to keep you safe.

Thanks for sticking around

It took a while for me to understand this, I know.  And it couldn’t have been easy waiting for that penny to drop, especially since I’m great at ignoring the solutions right infront of me. And yet, after all this time, you’re still there patiently waiting for me to stop stumbling over my own shadows.

So…

Thank you for everything.

~carina